Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
