its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
