dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
