Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize