Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
