so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
