I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
