Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
