Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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