I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
