you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
