This is not my ceiling
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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