this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
