FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
