When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
There's even glitter on my cock...
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