We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
