she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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