I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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