Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
