my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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