I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
