I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You took a bar mat shot.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
