Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
