if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
