Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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