Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
