Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
