I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
