# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
