mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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