Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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