so that wasnt chicken after all
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
