Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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