theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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