I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
