Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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