Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
