Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we made out on top of his cat.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my shit smells like andre
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
