I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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