did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
