ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
