The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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