I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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