Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
