I feel great
I just peed on a car
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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