Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
