i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
