Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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