btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
