u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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