You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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