then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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