Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
