Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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