I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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